I sit—I wait. I fret—I wait. I cry—I wait. I wrestle—I wait.
I want to fix. I want to take every weary heart, heavy burden, lost soul, wounded spirit, tear shed, and every broken piece in the world and repair it. My heart aches for the hurting, the anxious, the disillusioned.
With white-knuckles I grip onto these pains as I dig through my arsenal of human wisdom and limited understanding to bring some kind of light and encouragement. I bring a band-aid to war wound.
I waited patiently for the LORD, He turned to me and heard my cry…Blessed is the one who trusts in the LORD, who does not look to the proud, to those who turn aside to false gods. Many, LORD my God, are the wonders you have done, the things you have planned for us.”
Psalm 40:4&5 NIV
If you’ve followed any of my story then this chapter is likely familiar to you. It has been very influential in my overall health: mind, body, spirit, soul, and relationships. It is the verse God revealed to me after my panic attack in 2015 that thrust me in slow motion into the hospital bed.
When I am anxious I pray. When I feel depressed I praise. When my mind is clouded I open up the scriptures. When I am discouraged or need wisdom I seek a trusted friend. And while I wait patiently for the LORD to intervene, what happens when its silent? When the tools of rescuing grace God revealed to me in order to get out of the horrible pit are but vapor in my grasping hands, I struggle with the patience of waiting—I wrestle.
Can you relate? In doubt, we often question the effectiveness of God’s tools. In frustration, we’re tempted to turn inward to extract any remaining resource. In worry, we frantically move at our own hurried and unproductive pace, or maybe even become immovable.
But then—God.
God shows up in a whisper, in a moment of peace, as a gentle reminder that I am not alone. He reminds me that He is God and I am not.
I am wrestling through the current hot topic of vaccine mandates. I have been text messaged this resource and emailed that research. I have been sent memes and jokes, helpful information as well as critical rants from news, podcasts, social media, churches, family and friends. I have done the sending of said info. If you’re breathing and reading this post, you probably have been inundated and participated as well. It’s likely we have different approaches and thoughts surrounding this topic. I’ve discovered in the most transparent conversations that even the people with whom I align closely we have various reasons motivating our decisions—faith, fear, science, family, health, caution, work, confidence.
What can I do? What’s the right decision? Why is this happening? What protects us more, a vaccine or the freedom to choose? How do we stand for our own freedom in the country, yet fight to take others’ freedoms away (there are so many other topics this question encompasses)? How do we say we want justice yet are more concerned with vaccine status than the lives of thousands of the enslaved and hundreds about to be executed today for what they believe?
I invite you to go on this journey with me for a few minutes as I guide you through my recent grapple for grace.
I was starting to wonder this week at what point, as followers of Jesus, does the research become less important than the wisdom and rich history God left us as a tool for living. Maybe you’re not a follower of Jesus, but I imagine you approach these heavy topics with care and precision as well and we can all learn from each other as we learn to respectfully see others’ points of view. Whose perspective are you looking at? Your’s? Your friend’s? Your favorite news resource? Influencer’s? Your pastor’s? God’s? If you are a follower of Jesus, as Christians do we not believe God gave us the Bible not only to fill our head with knowledge, but to change our heart to be more like Jesus—the One we claim to follow?
Noah in faith built a boat in the middle of a dessert—no matter the mocking and ridicule; to the world, Noah was foolish and a conspiracy theorist (Genesis Chapters 6-9). Daniel, exiled in Babylon, gained favor with a King who kept him and the Israelite people captive—he disobeyed the kings commands, continued to worship God, was betrayed by is coworkers, and sentenced to death by lions. He later stood firm in his faith with a few of his friends and resisted eating foods that were against his beliefs; God rescued him from death again and used his ministry to highlight God’s sovereign character as well as God as our Protector, Deliverer, and Savior. To most of the world Daniel was probably seen as ignorant, arrogant and an overachiever (The book of Daniel). Jonah out of fear and pride resisted God’s plan for Him and God redirected Him to accomplish the message of grace to a city of people who need to hear of God’s love (book of Jonah). The world would have likely celebrated his courage and trust in his personal conviction, but we can see from the result of the story he was full of fear and God’s way always prevails.
The entire eleventh chapter of Hebrews highlights men and women because of their faith. I encourage you to read it. These examples are not only inspiring, but also are a great reminder to focus on God rather than the circumstances that seem hopeless and confusing; they remind us to listen to God’s voice rather than the critic’s voice promoting self-service, self-pity, and self actualization.
“Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.”
Hebrews 11:1 NASB
When we read this verse at face value, faith appears to be the belief that something will happen, but the more the original language is studied, we find that this faith mentioned is a persuasive empowerment to live out God’s plan. This faith comes from God, not human effort, and is the power of God behind the action to live out the work of God.
In other words, faith requires action, action requires faith, both require God’s divine gift.
Recently, my son got a knee to his jaw during a jiu-jitsu class. If you’re unfamiliar with the sport—for the sake of brevity and simplicity—it’s a Brazilian martial art that is similar to the sport of wrestling, at least in terms of the grappling element. His tooth became loose, he couldn’t open his jaw for a few days, and for a few weeks he has not wanted to return to his advanced class because of the pain. We finally clarified that the apprehension was not because he is still in pain, but because he is afraid to get hurt in that area again. From my adult lens I lack patience for this refusal to move on. I want to stretch him slightly past his comfort so he can grow. Before you think I’m insensitive, allow me to explain a little more. He didn’t actually get hurt training, he got hurt during a game. His jaw is completely fine, now, but because he associates the pain with the class, he has succumb to fear. I want to teach him that sometimes we have to face the uncomfortable and wrestle within ourselves in order to see past our limitations. As I wrestle with how God sees the current events in the world, I can’t help but evaluate my own heart in my parenting. I’m reminded how God sees what feels like my mundane life in comparison to the tragedies and He cares.
I think God allows us to wrestle so we take our eyes off what is seemingly hopeless and turn them to his grace—His help and assistance in seeing his holiness.
We need to shift our perspective from our hopelessness to His holiness.
More of this grappling continued over recent news of Christian persecution around the globe. I am reminded of the story of Jacob in Genesis (The first book in the ancient Hebrew scriptures and Christian Bible) Chapter 32. Jacob was the son of Isaac, Isaac was the son of Abraham. Three generations after Abraham received the covenant promise from God of land, a nation, and the blessing of his name (Genesis 17), we have the story of Jacob, the heir to this promise, wrestling with God. This is the same Jacob who stole the blessing from his brother Esau (Genesis 27), and he is now running from him in fear. He knows this promise is for him. He has seen God keep His promises. Yet, here in just a short time later he is doubting God’s protection and provision.
Genesis chapter 32 verses 24-30 say that when Jacob was alone he wrestled with a man from late night until day break. Some believe this man was an angel, some believe he was a mysterious man, others that he was God himself. In verse thirty, Jacob acknowledges, “I have seen God face-to-face, yet my life has been preserved.” Whether it was God himself or not, it is widely recognized by historians and scholars that this grappling match was initiated by God. God in His character is all-knowing, so whether it was God or not—I personally believe it was—God positioned Jacob to struggle in order to produce necessary growth and trust in the LORD. Jacob did not win this wrestling match, in fact it may have even left him physically crippled, but something powerful shifted in the struggle. Jacob in his doubt, fear, and pride, wrestled the Almighty God in the flesh and as a result his spirit changed. The grappling humbled him, caused him to surrender, and changed his heart to see things through God’s lens.
At the end of the all night wrestling match, God demands Jacob to name himself. I believe this demand was God’s way of calling out his broken identity. By admitting I am Jacob aka the cheater and deceiver, he acknowledges he is broken without someone to save him. Upon his recognition, God blesses him and gives him a new name, Israel—from Jacob, in Hebrew meaning cheater or deceiver to Israel, meaning God fights. After this wrestling match we see a proud, fearful, deceitful young man grow into the leader of an entire nation of decedents that would later be named Israel. God demonstrated His protection, provision, and faithfulness to the Israelite people.
Just as God fought for His people then, He fights for us now. God promises to never leave us alone, empty, and afraid.
What about those times where it’s not in the fight that we get hurt? Like my son, sometimes out of nowhere we get blindsided and it leaves us wounded. Our focus in these moments will either leave us empty or filled with abundant blessing. Maybe it’s worth considering that in these moments God doesn’t ask us to ignore the pain, but rather in the midst of the struggle God wants us to admit our need for Him and ask for Him to bless us. We can wrestle ideas and even question what God is doing, but when we fix our focused on Jesus, we can stop fighting against Him and allow Him to fight for us to defeat these battles.
We see His faithfulness in these Biblical examples and He remains faithful to His promises today. Even when we doubt, fear, complain, and yes, even wrestle, God is always here with us. When we wrestle through these tensions, we will be better off than we were before. We will begin to see that God knows what is best and we can trust Him whether we have the answers or not, whether we hear Him, see Him, feel His presence, or not. Just because you’re struggling does not mean you are alone. You are never alone because Jesus is always with you. He fights for you.
Jacob deceived his father and stole the family blessing, he later begged God for another blessing. I am tempted to label him a liar and a cheat, as selfish and proud. I’m tempted to get angry like Esau and seek justice for the wrong. But if we examine his heart and motives a little deeper we can see more clearly the insecurity, identity crisis, and his longing to be seen and heard. I think we have each experienced at least one of those feelings.
I don’t know about you, but I am certainly thankful that Jesus came to reveal my identity so I don’t live in the labels others may out on me based on what I’ve done in my past. This forgiveness and grace does not give us an excuse to keep acting like a fool, but it certainly rescues us from the shame in which our enemy wants us trapped.
In one day, I heard the cries for freedom of choice and freedom from fear. I prayed for those fighting for their health and those fighting for justice. I witnessed the longing to have a voice and for wisdom as they use their platform for peace. Despite the denial of many, I saw posts about slavery/human trafficking in our Los Angeles cities as well as internationally, religious persecution and silencing overseas and I personally experience regularly. In our efforts to include, we the people seclude and silence.
Whether we cry out on behalf of the injustices of the world or the injustice in our homes, to whom do we cry out to save us? Friend, I needed the reminder today that only Jesus can fix. Only Jesus can truly heal the deep wounds of the world. I can, however, choose to bow in His presence and surrender and pray. That is the power we have—choice to pray. And when we pray we invite the power of God to intervene. Will you join me today to pray for these weary hearts, heavy burdens, lost souls, wounded spirits, tears shed, and for every broken piece in the world to be repaired in Jesus’ name? In that same prayer will you cry our to the only one who saves, Jesus. Maybe, just maybe, we will see miracles.
Jesus came to save the world AND He came to save each of us. By His grace, He saves and He renames. That truth my friend, is a miracle.
God wants to rename each of us. Even if you don’t believe it, this truth includes you too. He wants us to see we belong to Him. We can wrestle with our flesh and surrender our desires to Jesus who calls us Beloved.
I sit, I fret, I cry, I wrestle. I Trust—I open my hands to relinquish the grip and receive grace.
If you decide to release that grip today pray this with me:
God, you are good. Thank you Jesus for your grace. I choose today to let go of my grip of control and see that you are the One in control. I pray for those who are hurting, anxious, and disillusioned. I pray for those who feel lost. I pray for the brokenhearted. You see the hardship and the pain. You see the fear. You also see the faith. You see your precious children who trust you. We cry out to you and beg for your healing in these areas. Thank you for your compassion. Thank you for allowing us to experience the tension and reminding us in the struggle that we can trust you. You are faithful! In Jesus Name, let it be so.
danielle_kazarian 