Grappling for Grace

I sit—I wait. I fret—I wait. I cry—I wait. I wrestle—I wait.

I want to fix. I want to take every weary heart, heavy burden, lost soul, wounded spirit, tear shed, and every broken piece in the world and repair it. My heart aches for the hurting, the anxious, the disillusioned.

With white-knuckles I grip onto these pains as I dig through my arsenal of human wisdom and limited understanding to bring some kind of light and encouragement. I bring a band-aid to war wound.

I waited patiently for the LORD, He turned to me and heard my cry…Blessed is the one who trusts in the LORD, who does not look to the proud, to those who turn aside to false gods. Many, LORD my God, are the wonders you have done, the things you have planned for us.”

Psalm 40:4&5 NIV

If you’ve followed any of my story then this chapter is likely familiar to you. It has been very influential in my overall health: mind, body, spirit, soul, and relationships. It is the verse God revealed to me after my panic attack in 2015 that thrust me in slow motion into the hospital bed.

When I am anxious I pray. When I feel depressed I praise. When my mind is clouded I open up the scriptures. When I am discouraged or need wisdom I seek a trusted friend. And while I wait patiently for the LORD to intervene, what happens when its silent? When the tools of rescuing grace God revealed to me in order to get out of the horrible pit are but vapor in my grasping hands, I struggle with the patience of waiting—I wrestle.

Can you relate? In doubt, we often question the effectiveness of God’s tools. In frustration, we’re tempted to turn inward to extract any remaining resource. In worry, we frantically move at our own hurried and unproductive pace, or maybe even become immovable.

But then—God.

God shows up in a whisper, in a moment of peace, as a gentle reminder that I am not alone. He reminds me that He is God and I am not.

I am wrestling through the current hot topic of vaccine mandates. I have been text messaged this resource and emailed that research. I have been sent memes and jokes, helpful information as well as critical rants from news, podcasts, social media, churches, family and friends. I have done the sending of said info. If you’re breathing and reading this post, you probably have been inundated and participated as well. It’s likely we have different approaches and thoughts surrounding this topic. I’ve discovered in the most transparent conversations that even the people with whom I align closely we have various reasons motivating our decisions—faith, fear, science, family, health, caution, work, confidence.

What can I do? What’s the right decision? Why is this happening? What protects us more, a vaccine or the freedom to choose? How do we stand for our own freedom in the country, yet fight to take others’ freedoms away (there are so many other topics this question encompasses)? How do we say we want justice yet are more concerned with vaccine status than the lives of thousands of the enslaved and hundreds about to be executed today for what they believe?

I invite you to go on this journey with me for a few minutes as I guide you through my recent grapple for grace.

I was starting to wonder this week at what point, as followers of Jesus, does the research become less important than the wisdom and rich history God left us as a tool for living. Maybe you’re not a follower of Jesus, but I imagine you approach these heavy topics with care and precision as well and we can all learn from each other as we learn to respectfully see others’ points of view. Whose perspective are you looking at? Your’s? Your friend’s? Your favorite news resource? Influencer’s? Your pastor’s? God’s? If you are a follower of Jesus, as Christians do we not believe God gave us the Bible not only to fill our head with knowledge, but to change our heart to be more like Jesus—the One we claim to follow?

Noah in faith built a boat in the middle of a dessert—no matter the mocking and ridicule; to the world, Noah was foolish and a conspiracy theorist (Genesis Chapters 6-9). Daniel, exiled in Babylon, gained favor with a King who kept him and the Israelite people captive—he disobeyed the kings commands, continued to worship God, was betrayed by is coworkers, and sentenced to death by lions. He later stood firm in his faith with a few of his friends and resisted eating foods that were against his beliefs; God rescued him from death again and used his ministry to highlight God’s sovereign character as well as God as our Protector, Deliverer, and Savior. To most of the world Daniel was probably seen as ignorant, arrogant and an overachiever (The book of Daniel). Jonah out of fear and pride resisted God’s plan for Him and God redirected Him to accomplish the message of grace to a city of people who need to hear of God’s love (book of Jonah). The world would have likely celebrated his courage and trust in his personal conviction, but we can see from the result of the story he was full of fear and God’s way always prevails.

The entire eleventh chapter of Hebrews highlights men and women because of their faith. I encourage you to read it. These examples are not only inspiring, but also are a great reminder to focus on God rather than the circumstances that seem hopeless and confusing; they remind us to listen to God’s voice rather than the critic’s voice promoting self-service, self-pity, and self actualization.

“Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.”

Hebrews 11:1 NASB

When we read this verse at face value, faith appears to be the belief that something will happen, but the more the original language is studied, we find that this faith mentioned is a persuasive empowerment to live out God’s plan. This faith comes from God, not human effort, and is the power of God behind the action to live out the work of God.

In other words, faith requires action, action requires faith, both require God’s divine gift.

Recently, my son got a knee to his jaw during a jiu-jitsu class. If you’re unfamiliar with the sport—for the sake of brevity and simplicity—it’s a Brazilian martial art that is similar to the sport of wrestling, at least in terms of the grappling element. His tooth became loose, he couldn’t open his jaw for a few days, and for a few weeks he has not wanted to return to his advanced class because of the pain. We finally clarified that the apprehension was not because he is still in pain, but because he is afraid to get hurt in that area again. From my adult lens I lack patience for this refusal to move on. I want to stretch him slightly past his comfort so he can grow. Before you think I’m insensitive, allow me to explain a little more. He didn’t actually get hurt training, he got hurt during a game. His jaw is completely fine, now, but because he associates the pain with the class, he has succumb to fear. I want to teach him that sometimes we have to face the uncomfortable and wrestle within ourselves in order to see past our limitations. As I wrestle with how God sees the current events in the world, I can’t help but evaluate my own heart in my parenting. I’m reminded how God sees what feels like my mundane life in comparison to the tragedies and He cares.

I think God allows us to wrestle so we take our eyes off what is seemingly hopeless and turn them to his grace—His help and assistance in seeing his holiness.

We need to shift our perspective from our hopelessness to His holiness.

More of this grappling continued over recent news of Christian persecution around the globe. I am reminded of the story of Jacob in Genesis (The first book in the ancient Hebrew scriptures and Christian Bible) Chapter 32. Jacob was the son of Isaac, Isaac was the son of Abraham. Three generations after Abraham received the covenant promise from God of land, a nation, and the blessing of his name (Genesis 17), we have the story of Jacob, the heir to this promise, wrestling with God. This is the same Jacob who stole the blessing from his brother Esau (Genesis 27), and he is now running from him in fear. He knows this promise is for him. He has seen God keep His promises. Yet, here in just a short time later he is doubting God’s protection and provision.

Genesis chapter 32 verses 24-30 say that when Jacob was alone he wrestled with a man from late night until day break. Some believe this man was an angel, some believe he was a mysterious man, others that he was God himself. In verse thirty, Jacob acknowledges, “I have seen God face-to-face, yet my life has been preserved.” Whether it was God himself or not, it is widely recognized by historians and scholars that this grappling match was initiated by God. God in His character is all-knowing, so whether it was God or not—I personally believe it was—God positioned Jacob to struggle in order to produce necessary growth and trust in the LORD. Jacob did not win this wrestling match, in fact it may have even left him physically crippled, but something powerful shifted in the struggle. Jacob in his doubt, fear, and pride, wrestled the Almighty God in the flesh and as a result his spirit changed. The grappling humbled him, caused him to surrender, and changed his heart to see things through God’s lens.

At the end of the all night wrestling match, God demands Jacob to name himself. I believe this demand was God’s way of calling out his broken identity. By admitting I am Jacob aka the cheater and deceiver, he acknowledges he is broken without someone to save him. Upon his recognition, God blesses him and gives him a new name, Israel—from Jacob, in Hebrew meaning cheater or deceiver to Israel, meaning God fights. After this wrestling match we see a proud, fearful, deceitful young man grow into the leader of an entire nation of decedents that would later be named Israel. God demonstrated His protection, provision, and faithfulness to the Israelite people.

Just as God fought for His people then, He fights for us now. God promises to never leave us alone, empty, and afraid.

What about those times where it’s not in the fight that we get hurt? Like my son, sometimes out of nowhere we get blindsided and it leaves us wounded. Our focus in these moments will either leave us empty or filled with abundant blessing. Maybe it’s worth considering that in these moments God doesn’t ask us to ignore the pain, but rather in the midst of the struggle God wants us to admit our need for Him and ask for Him to bless us. We can wrestle ideas and even question what God is doing, but when we fix our focused on Jesus, we can stop fighting against Him and allow Him to fight for us to defeat these battles.

We see His faithfulness in these Biblical examples and He remains faithful to His promises today. Even when we doubt, fear, complain, and yes, even wrestle, God is always here with us. When we wrestle through these tensions, we will be better off than we were before. We will begin to see that God knows what is best and we can trust Him whether we have the answers or not, whether we hear Him, see Him, feel His presence, or not. Just because you’re struggling does not mean you are alone. You are never alone because Jesus is always with you. He fights for you.

Jacob deceived his father and stole the family blessing, he later begged God for another blessing. I am tempted to label him a liar and a cheat, as selfish and proud. I’m tempted to get angry like Esau and seek justice for the wrong. But if we examine his heart and motives a little deeper we can see more clearly the insecurity, identity crisis, and his longing to be seen and heard. I think we have each experienced at least one of those feelings.

I don’t know about you, but I am certainly thankful that Jesus came to reveal my identity so I don’t live in the labels others may out on me based on what I’ve done in my past. This forgiveness and grace does not give us an excuse to keep acting like a fool, but it certainly rescues us from the shame in which our enemy wants us trapped.

In one day, I heard the cries for freedom of choice and freedom from fear. I prayed for those fighting for their health and those fighting for justice. I witnessed the longing to have a voice and for wisdom as they use their platform for peace. Despite the denial of many, I saw posts about slavery/human trafficking in our Los Angeles cities as well as internationally, religious persecution and silencing overseas and I personally experience regularly. In our efforts to include, we the people seclude and silence.

Whether we cry out on behalf of the injustices of the world or the injustice in our homes, to whom do we cry out to save us? Friend, I needed the reminder today that only Jesus can fix. Only Jesus can truly heal the deep wounds of the world. I can, however, choose to bow in His presence and surrender and pray. That is the power we have—choice to pray. And when we pray we invite the power of God to intervene. Will you join me today to pray for these weary hearts, heavy burdens, lost souls, wounded spirits, tears shed, and for every broken piece in the world to be repaired in Jesus’ name? In that same prayer will you cry our to the only one who saves, Jesus. Maybe, just maybe, we will see miracles.

Jesus came to save the world AND He came to save each of us. By His grace, He saves and He renames. That truth my friend, is a miracle.

God wants to rename each of us. Even if you don’t believe it, this truth includes you too. He wants us to see we belong to Him. We can wrestle with our flesh and surrender our desires to Jesus who calls us Beloved.

I sit, I fret, I cry, I wrestle. I Trust—I open my hands to relinquish the grip and receive grace.

If you decide to release that grip today pray this with me:

God, you are good. Thank you Jesus for your grace. I choose today to let go of my grip of control and see that you are the One in control. I pray for those who are hurting, anxious, and disillusioned. I pray for those who feel lost. I pray for the brokenhearted. You see the hardship and the pain. You see the fear. You also see the faith. You see your precious children who trust you. We cry out to you and beg for your healing in these areas. Thank you for your compassion. Thank you for allowing us to experience the tension and reminding us in the struggle that we can trust you. You are faithful! In Jesus Name, let it be so.

Re-Calibrate

“Why can’t days be like this day?” Lily asks me as she points to a picture of her standing at the La Brea Tar Pits in sunny Los Angeles. “We used to always go to places like this, but today has only been partly happy and partly bad.” A typical honest evaluation from the mouth of a unsettled six year old making sense of the world around her. Discontented by why some days are more eventful than others, she’s not thinking “wow! I’m so thankful I have breath today!” or “I’m so thankful I went swimming, played games, finished work, and get to play for a few uninstructed hours before going to my favorite jiu-jitsu class, and finish the day eating my favorite meal cheese enchiladas.” No, she sees a need for change, she wants to make change happen.

I believe God created her to see life through this perspective because she will be a world-changer and difference maker. She does not settle for comfort, as-is, mundane. Yet, as much as she seeks the excitement of adventure, whimsy, and rock-out-music-dance-parties, she also settles for nothing less than well-executed plans, consistency, and acute attention to detail. Her zeal for life often leaves her disappointed when her expectation does not get satisfied EXACTLY how she sees it.

Can you relate? I know I often can. We start our day with exactly the perfect plan in mind only to discover moments in that it’s beginning to go off course. Maybe your friend, Anxiety greets you as you try to navigate back to the check-list. You don’t want to rudely dismiss her, but her presence is not allowing your productivity. In fact, the more you attempt to turn your attention elsewhere, the more you’re reminded of her presence looming closer and closer into your personal space.

“Why is this so hard for me?” We often cry out. “Why can’t I just move on and be flexible? Life requires adjustments, yet one little shift in the “plan” and now we’re no longer “off course”, we’re beginning to derail thinking of how we wanted the day to go, how it was lined up perfectly, how now we’re going to have to change every details to adjust to this one small move.”

This inability to be flexible hit me recently when I had scheduled for my son and daughter to sleep over at a friends. We moved recently and have lots of fun house projects, but I hate that my children’s weekend gets taken over because I have kitchen cabinets to sand and paint. I also am committed to a writing program in addition to the regular full life of a motherhood and loving our community. We had just returned from week vacation and I had a lot of catch-up. Unknowingly my friend offered to watch them overnight that same weekend. Perfect! Rather than sit my kids in front of movies all day, they can go swim and play. “God, thank you for knowing what I need without me even realizing it.” I prayed.

I consulted my husband before making the plans, but in hindsight he was exhausted and not in the frame of mind to think outside of his current moment of rest. Sunday comes around and an hour before he was scheduled to take them so I could write, he gently pulled me aside to discuss having them stay home. He missed us. He wanted family time. And although he still had in mind to work on our projects, he wanted to play with his kiddos in-between. Even as I write this it makes me cringe at my natural close-minded response. I said, “No, it’s not possible.” Sure I made a strong argument that it was inconsiderate to cancel last minute, but I was not considering him. Underneath that rationale was the desire to have it my way. God really did know what I needed, it just didn’t look how I wanted it to look.

When I saw the disappointment on his face, I stepped back and saw his perspective, and eventually cancelled those plans. I wish it ended there. I wish I could say that our day was all sunshine and roses, but the reality was clouded with disappointment and rigidity. Maybe in the past I would’ve kept my narrow focus and not seen his view, so I pause and acknowledge the progress, but still the lingering desire to stick to my plan made for a day filled with egg shells laid out all over our floor as we tiptoed through conversations.

Today, as my daughter longs for resolution to her unsettled emotions, I was reminded of our need to re-calibrate our focus. Calibrate is to “mark (a gauge or instrument) with a standard scale of readings”. It is the process by which we adjust or measure with precision.” I believe we often set about our busy days with our list in front of us with our sights calibrated to the exact outcome we desire. What if our outcome is not the best outcome? What if our desires are not actually the best result? What if there’s a better way? A more productive process? A more efficient solution? A discovery that we actually cannot do the day on our own? A way where we learn to acknowledge our challenges and see how others’ strengths can support us?

“The eye is the lamp of the body so then if your eye is clear, your whole body will be full of light.

But if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness.”

-Jesus Christ, Matthew 6:22

“Do you know what focus is, Lily?” I gave her a moment to think and then pulled out my iphone camera, “What do you see in the screen?” In detail she described the floor tom and high-hat from her brother’s drum set. I set my phone aside and asked her the same question. “I see the whole set, Mom! I see everything!” she said with excitement. “That’s right. This camera lens is similar to how we see what’s happening around us. When we put it down, this is kinda how God sees the world around us. What if we stopped in our frustration and disappointments and asked Him to help us see things His way?”

I wish I had taken a moment to apply this strategy with my husband, but I’m thankful for grace and another chance to practice what I learn as I grow.

Maybe today rather than have our eyes keenly focused on our perspective, we try asking God for His lens to replace ours. Maybe we consider asking Him to shed light into how we are seeing our circumstances. Maybe we ask Him to broaden our view. It might seem a little blurry at first, but through active trust and surrender, ultimately our eyes will RE-CALIBRATE to see life by His standard of ability, strength and grace, not by our limitations.

The light of Jesus helps us see clearly. His light makes the darkness of our chaos vanish. Because of who Jesus is and what He has done for us, we can see who we are. He is able; we are capable. He is strong; we have strength. He is grace; we have grace for ourselves and others. We will never fully understand and know everything about life the way God understands; HE is God. However, when we fix our eyes on Him I promise:

Seeing life through God’s lens changes everything.

Evaluate Before You Re-Calibrate

• Do you need to remember to pause today?
• In what circumstances can you ask God to step in and show you a different way to see?
• Is there someone you can call or message who can help you see things differently?

Prayer:

God, thank you for caring about what is happening in my life. Forgive me for trying to control the outcome and not trusting you with the details. Help me see things through your perspective. Fill me with your joy and peace. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Control Freaks Anonymous

Hi, my name is Danielle! “hi, Danielle!” and I’ve been a Control Freak for 27 years.

Yes, thats right. I celebrate my 27th birthday this weekend, and given my 10 month old’s ability to assert his will, I know I blessed my Mom with this control issue from birth. Thanks for putting up with me, Mom.

Have you ever found yourself so frustrated at someone, and as you thought about the details you got more and more frustrated realizing the person has done nothing wrong, and you’re just a control freak?!?!

Okay, maybe it’s just me…maybe not.

There’s something about leaving my munchkin in someone else’s hands that makes me feel like I’m the only one who knows what he needs during the day.

This is ridiculous!! When I’m gone he’s with one of three people: his Dad, his Grandma (mil), or a close family friend from church. Each of whom he adores! My issue has nothing to do with competence, it’s simply, I’m Mom and “Momma knows best!” Right?

I swear to everyone that my munchkin is not on a set “schedule”, “I let him tell me what he needs.” Yet I find myself writing minute details, down to activity suggestions for specific times during the day, that I pray will be followed. I’ll come home and want a play-by-play, and as I listen, secretly I’m stirring inside wishing I could’ve done the day differently. Wondering how the rest of the evening will play out since I wasn’t here with him.

I know that every day is a new day with him. Every day does change. When it’s just the two of us, I do follow his lead and don’t force time constraints on him. However, I know consistency is crucial for babies, so I try to keep certain things routine like story time, walks, errands or park days, bath time, etc.

I’m embarrassed even as I write these sad facts. Please Moms out there, tell me I’m not the only one!

As I drove to work, I pondered who I could call and vent my frustration without sounding like an idiot. Then I realized I hadn’t done my daily reading. I open up my app at a stoplight, and read the following from She Reads Truth- Daniel (my son’s name…ironic?) By: You Version:

“What am I clenching in my fist that I refuse to see as His [God’s]? What is it that I long so desperately to build, to control, to call MINE?

Epiphany: Gasp!! My child!

Can this really be? Am I that much of a control freak that I’m not trusting God with His very own creation. My Baby, My munchkin, My miracle. I feel so foolish. Yet just as I’m about to beat myself up, I remember Grace.

I realize that just as I have to guide and redirect my munchkin’s steps to protect him, God does the same with me. When is it that we assume our learning is over? No matter how old, Daniel will always be my baby; I will always be God’s child.

I am on a journey and need to let go! I am not in control. You’d think I’d know this after being “redirected” as much as I have been in my life.

As hard as this lesson has been, and as much as I’m still frustrated over Daniel not eating as much as I feed him, I need to get over it! Or GOI (pronounced \’gōi\ or goy) as my husband and I say frequently with sarcasm (I think it sounds nicer, thank you very much). Oh…my..gosh I really do have an issue, don’t I? Now is when I just need to laugh.

Well, until my munchkin’s next nap: thanks for letting me share my heart with you! I hope my tough life lessons or “redirections” will help you find peace or guidance in your circumstances, even if it is just to laugh at my ridiculousness.

On a side note, my mom and best friend, who I call my sister, are coming to celebrate with me this weekend. Keep an eye out for fun stories and pictures from our girl’s weekend.

Two Words Doctors Hate: Juicing & Miracles Part 3

If you’ve read the preceding posts then you can skip the next paragraph, but if not, you should read them, but let me give you a quick synopsis:

…I suffered most of my life from a chronic digestive disorder called Microscopic Colitis. God healed me in early 2010, almost four years ago. Don’t run! Read! It’s an incredible story; it’s hard for me to believe it too sometimes!

Six months before I was healed of the Colitis, I was told I had a brain tumor that would prevent me from having kids. About a year later, I had these weird, hard grape-size bumps growing under the skin on my hands and sharp shooting pains through my wrists. I slept with braces on my wrists every night to alleviate the pain. I’m a hair stylist, so these were not good signs for the longevity of my career, or being a mom for that matter. It would be a little difficult to cradle a baby with that pain.

After x-rays, labs, cortisone shots from Hell, and two MRIs, nothing was showing up…yet, you could visibly see them. So, here’s that crazy story…

My Miracle:

It was December 14, 2008, a beautiful, hazy, winter morning in the Bay Area of California as we drove to the Napa Valley. We arrived. Joseph Kazarian walked me through the beautiful rock garden of Domaine Chandon. He stopped on the bridge crossing the pond. With dew on the wild flowers all around and a slight morning mist, he got on one knee and ask me to be his wife.

…In his version, he studder-stepped, fell to a knee, and said, “Bbbbllluueeehhh?”

Either way, I cried. Nodded. Said, “YES!” Reached with both hands toward the ring and asked, “Can I put it on?” We started our day with a toast of our favorite Champagne Sparkling Wine, Riche, and made phone calls to the family.

I’ve always wanted to be be a wife! A Mom! Have a family!! No, I was not the crazy girl who chased boys to make this happen quickly. Well, I kind of did chase boys in Jr. High, but that doesn’t count. And I was young when we got married. However, I had my fair share of unhealthy dating relationships to prove I was ready. Do I have you convinced?

Anyways, I can’t help that God blessed me with an incredibly Hott man who is hilarious, driven, motivated, can cook, but most importantly loves God and cherishes me!

Let the wedding planning begin…

Fast forward to June: we decided to move back down to Southern California, where we met and he grew up, to start our lives together. This move was to take place the weekend of my bridal shower.

As if wedding planning and moving weren’t enough…here’s what happened the week before moving:

Late Tuesday night (sorry about the next detail), I started lactating. Ok, so if you don’t know, that’s only supposed to happen when you’re pregnant or breast feeding obviously. We were waiting until we got married for certain things, so I knew I was not pregnant!

I got labs results by Friday, suggesting a tumor, and I needed an MRI immediately. We decided to have me stay in town for further tests to avoid switching doctors, hospitals, etc. I put on my happy face for my bridal shower Saturday evening, and Joseph did the 400 mile move Sunday with his parents, but without me.

I get my MRI, make all the crazy calls to change my doctors, and schedule an appointment with my new doctor to find out the results.

Pituitary Micro-adenoma: aka a small tumor on my brain.

Three weeks before our wedding, I’m sitting in the doctor’s office with my fiancé and soon-to-be Mother-in-law, or Mother-in-love as she likes to say, and the doctor says in an unsympathetic, matter-of-fact tone, “With this tumor, you won’t be able to get pregnant.”

Immediately, without control, tears start flowing down my face. It was nothing I could fight back. I was not blubbering; I simply just had my dreams ripped from my heart in front of the man who was making these dreams come true; tears were not an option, they just were.

“Well,” says the doctor, “you clearly are a little high strung. I’ll step out and give you a minute to calm yourself down.”

“I’m not high strung, you just told me I’m infertile!”

…He walked out as we all stared dumbfounded at each other. I started medication the next day that would “regulate” the size of the tumor, and was monitored every six months after that with labs and visual field tests to make sure the tumor didn’t grow.

…moving forward to March 2012…

I was half-way through the intern program at our church. A decision I made for personal and spiritual growth. One of the best choices I’ve made in my life!!!

[Insert necessary, but dramatic rabbit trail:] That lost, buried little girl who didn’t even know her true self, began to emerge from the dark hole she had dug for herself. That first sight of light is hard to look at sometimes. With squinted eyes, that bright, white light slowly turns to colors and images that make sense; so my soul was transformed. Oh, the sweet taste of oxygen again. Breathe!

It was conference time, and as I was praying for people, the guest speaker, Pastor Andrew Kubala asked, “Is there someone here who has had wrist issues?” I immediately start looking around, excited for what God’s going to do in someone’s life.
…no response…
…he asks again…
…I wait…

My mentor was standing a few feet behind me and assertively, but gently says, “WRISTS!!” There’s my reminder.

Oh, ya, that’s me. He’s talking about me! I, like most people (despite my previous healing), had resolved to the idea of living with pain.

How stupid! God is loud and clear,in a microphone, through a pastor, trying to get my attention, and I almost ignore it.

I slowly slip my hand into the air. He has me come up on stage to pray with me.

As if reading out of my diary, Pastor Kubala begins to speak words of healing over my life. I immediately feel an overwhelming warmth flow through my arms, wrists, hands, and every knuckle. As he prayed I watched the bumps disappear. I felt the pain leave my wrists. For the first time in six months I had full rotation of my wrists. I stood on awe.

Then, he looks at me and says, “Danielle, God wants you to believe him for more than just the physical healing we can see. There’s more healing He wants to do for you, but you need to have faith that He will.”

I knew he was talking about the tumor (let me remind you that he knew nothing about it, hardly anyone did, he didn’t even know me); I stopped the medication that night.

April 10, 2012 I looked up at Joseph from across the room in shock and said, “It’s a plus sign.”

“So…that’s a yes?”
“Ya, I guess so.”
“So…you’re pregnant?”
“I guess that’s what that means.”
“Uh, should we go get dinner.”
“Ya, let me make some calls first.”

Don’t get me wrong, we were both excited, but sometimes when a miracle happens, it’s really hard to believe!

I called my best friend, who I call my sister, and I called my sister, who I call my friend. Joseph and I processed the information through awkward dialogue over dinner. We told our parents the next day, and the rest of our worlds after that.

December 11, 2012 Daniel Robert was born 8 lbs 8 oz, 21 inches long. Our Miracle!

Nine months later, I still look at Daniel every day in awe and humility. When he smiles he radiates God’s joy, and I can’t help but be reminded of God’s grace in my life.

Until my munchkin’s next nap: Thanks for letting me take you through that journey. I hope it brings light, encouragement, and healing into areas of your life as well. Don’t be afraid to have a little faith.

Have you experienced a miracle?
What’s your story?

Wake up and…Breathe!

WwwAaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh! Waaaaaaaa! Aaaaahhhhhh!

This is how my morning started at 2am. Any mom knows, with the reality of waking up many times at all hours of the night, the exhaustion that comes with the no-sleep followed by no-sleep pattern. But there is something about the 2am mommy shift that is the worst; hence starting my morning with a homemade venti iced mocha!!!

I bet you’re tired just reading about it!

My happy little guy always wakes up with a big smile on his face, so to hear that screeching cry this morning made my heart break for him. So then at 4:30, 5, and 5:30am when he woke up to my husband and in-laws getting ready for their day, there was no putting him back to sleep again.

[My husband and I moved in with his parents shortly after finding out I was pregnant. I’ll tell that story another time. Before you feel sorry for us, it’s been more of a blessing than anything! I’m so grateful for them! I am not, however, loving that everyone in the house gets ready so early and so loudly in the morning!!!]

Ok so back to my story… My little guy is wide awake and ready to play, like everyone else in the house, not phased at all by the broken up sleep. Momma over here on the other hand is a walking zombie. Dilemma: do I try to play with him and risk dropping him because I’ve nodded off unintentionally or let him play in his crib with some toys and hope he falls peacefully back asleep. I choose the later. Feeling guilty, I keep waking up startled every so often to check my video monitor to see how he’s doing. Finally, about an hour later, after dreaming he has been the world record baby for figuring out how to climb out of his crib at 4 months old, he has managed to flip himself over, spin the opposite direction, kick all of his covers off (it’s freezing by the way), and fall back asleep. Again, feeling guilty as I’m bundled under a sheet, 2 comforters, and 3 blankets, I peel my motionless body out of the warmth and go cover him up and curl myself back in bed.

He manages to sleep about 45 minutes and then decides its actually time to be awake now. Out of bed I roll. I put on my happy face, which went from fake to genuine as soon as his toothless smile melted my heart. We rose with the sun singing our morning tunes, “Arise, shine, the morning has come…”, “You are my sunshine” “In the morning, when I rise…”, and “On Mondays I am happy, on Tuesdays full of joy…”. I have found that if I can’t muster up the strength for my own energy, I must put on a smile, sing with this voice only my son can love, and hope someone left some spare coffee in the carafe for me to indulge on a morning like this.”

After doing our morning routine of exercises, massage, A,B,Cs, counting, tummy time, and stretches it was time to feed him and I course… He passed out! 🙂 Now hyped up on caffeine I’m thrilled that my phone rings and its my sister. On a morning like this the best person to hear from is my sister and friend, a mommy to a precious and overly eccentric, energetic 2 year old little girl and a beautiful newborn daughter who is probably just as happy as the eldest, but seems to cry more often than the first because, well, now there’s two to manage not just one. My sister is one of the strongest, most caring and nurturing women I know, and her wisdom in Mommy craziness, always assures me that I’m doing a great job. I told her how terrible I felt for leaving him by himself in his crib. This morning her kind words were, “I’m convinced this is why God made children’s memories nonexistent before the age of three. So parents can make mistakes while honing their parenting skills, and their kids will not remember any of it!” Now, that’s grace at its finest!!

I know someone out their needs to hear that too, so whoever it is I hope you’re encouraged! As nuts as life might be, please take time to breathe, and please, share your thoughts with me! I’m new on this journey and would love to learn from you too!

Until my munchkin’s next nap time… Happy Thursday!

Present!

The funny thing about writing is that it must be inspired. My dilemma is that my little cutie pie is my inspiration. I hang out with my son and I get a sea of thoughts and ideas roaring around inside the walls of my brain.
Why is this whirlwind a dilemma? I get to my next point: in order to jot any of these thoughts down I’d have to sacrifice spending time with him and attach myself to the lifeless technology that we so obsess over these days. At a leadership conference I attended last year, the theme was “Be Present”. So often we try to “capture the moment with a photo instead of actually experiencing the moment.” This concept was so profound to me. You see, as I had just recently upgraded my cell phone to have text messaging [for business purposes, of course], I obviously was a cheerleader for this concept. Side note-don’t we do that so often? We hear this amazing idea and don’t realize that the reason its so “amazing” is because it fits so comfortably within the paradigm we are already living.
Now a year after the conference and only a month into being a proud iPhone owner, I face the realization of how easy it is to get distracted from what’s important. That concept that was so “life altering” now actually needs to be. It’s so easy for me to grab my phone for music, to learn developmental milestones, activity ideas, fill in the ______. What I should be doing is learning what my four month old needs by watching him, listening to him, holding him; not holding my phone as if it were a lifeline to ensure and secure my child’s bright future.
Let me encourage you, like a friend did for me last week. Moms, give yourselves a break. Cut yourself some slack. Take an ounce of grace. We all have these realizations that will make us feel like terrible moms, but that’s what makes us incredible moms. We love our little ones more than words can explain. It’s a love that only a mother truly knows and understands.
Take these epiphanies, embrace them and then learn from them, but don’t let them be the next thing you harbor that will distract you from that smile or giggle that will warm your heart and make all the problems of the world go away.
The attached picture of my adorable son is right before he started crying, and there was my moment of realization : “Danielle! Put your phone down and hold your son! He doesn’t want his ‘pic’ taken, he wants to be with Mommy!”
Well, until my munchkin’s next nap-time, like my mom always reminds me, Make-it-a-great-day!!!!