Anxiety! It’s a weird thing. For some, just reading the word, your heart is already pounding and palms starting to sweat. Maybe your eyes are getting blurry; there’s a knot in your stomach. Can you tell I’m quite familiar with the ugliness that peers it’s ugly head at me all too often? My best friend, who I call my sister, says, “let go!” And then we often remind each other its better to,”let go and let God!” But even that concept feels so distant at times.
Last Wednesday I boarded a plane out of a small Southern CA airport and headed up to what i like to call “the better part of California” to help throw my sister a baby shower for her second baby girl. With my munchkin in my lap, [sorry am i making you anxious thinking about the classic screaming infant in confined spaces?] we got ready for his first of probably many plane rides.
—- That’s not really why I’m writing, but i must say I’m not likely to do another 5 hour [which turns into 8 hours with feedings and diaper changes] car ride alone again after this trip! Flying was a breeze! We just bounced and played the whole way there and on the way home he slept in my arms. ——-
The past 6 years I’ve been on a journey of growth, overcoming setbacks from my past and characteristics about myself of which I’m not a fan. As I’ve become more self-aware, ridding fear, anxiety, and negativity (to name a few) from my life has been a long, emotional journey. I bring this topic up because this weekend I felt all these parts of myself that I thought were gone creep back in a take over. My responses to people were out of stress, my view of people was extremely judgemental, and my ability to organize and articulate my thoughts went completely out the window.
Its embarrassing to admit, but the only way to press forward is to admit when I’m wrong. All of the above come from my intrinsic desire of having control over every situation. When I finally realized that I am not the one in control of my life, I was able to release the negativity.
Do you ever find yourself so far beyond your past, then all of a sudden after coasting or even pressing courageously through life, you get sucked back into your old way of thinking?
I had a fabulous whirlwind of a weekend, but it was a great reality check for me. I can’t become complacent. I need to constantly be stretching myself so that I don’t sacrifice my relationships. Thankfully I have brilliantly talented, absolutely wonderful family, who takes me as I am. Even when I’m a mess sometimes!
With all that said, we put on a great shower! I look forward to embracing the next family gathering that guarantees a wonderful cocktail of stress, chaos, creativity, laughter, friendship, and a bond that will never be broken! Check out the pictures; my cousins deserve the credit! i may have been there with my hands in the mix, but my mind was too dysfunctional to pull this off:)
Well, until my munchkins next nap: remember, freedom comes from humility, even if that means admitting to yourself there needs to be a change. Sometimes that change simply starts with a smile.